And for the man who has everything...a tie-rack motor!

OK, so if you've been on airplanes, you've probably seen Sky Mall, the magazine in which you can order all kinds of rad things. Today we'll be spotting some of the more innovative items offered for sale in their catalog, along with some very made-up product descriptions. However, all things considered, it's hardly satire:

We know the main concern of all you swimmers: how can I combine my love of diving with my love of music? Get the new speaker system from Aquaworks. What does it do?
It lets you listen to music...UNDERWATER!!!
$468.99 Product# 872901921

The perfect product for all you people with kids, the Waterskate 9000. Absolutely essential for all you parents out there who want your kids' drowning to look as accidental as possible.
$65.99 Product# 782010013

Too much of a lazy-ass to do any swimming? Get the new AquaBumper Boat,
great for all you people who want all the benefits of being in the pool
without all the drawbacks of exercise.
$127.99 Product# 938320015

Related item: the remote-controlled Pool Snack tray.
$45.99 Product# 519009274

And for all you lazy-ass people on land, there's also the Beverage Buggy.
$29.99 Product# 619309902

Got a deceased love one? Memorialize them with something you put your ass on:
the Remembrance Bench.
$65.99 Product# 411903021

You have an image problem? Worry no more!
Our wristbands are guaranteed to make you the posterboy for assholery.
$13.99 Product#778019246

New oversized rearview mirror helps you see your car's blindspots. Useful for spotting the Feds if they happen to be following you so you can hit them before they hit you.
Endorsed by Nas Escobar.
$19.99 Product# 8890405662

Going away for a while, or concerned about home security at night? Worry no more! Our new security spotlight uses motion detectors to spot potential intruders, flooding them with light and producing a loud alarm siren that will wake and alert you to the presence of dangerous individuals throughout the night. Solar-powered.
$148.99 Product# 782019403

The Howard Hughes Hyperbaric Toothbrush case, for all you people concerned about your toothbrush picking up any germs other than the ones it already gets from your mouth.
$35.99 Product# 22395961

The William Faulkner Side Table/Side Board. Beautiful furniture piece combines the two things Faulkner loved most: books and alcoholism.
$249.99 or buy 2 or more for $245.99 each! Product # 774020525

Solar-powered audio Bible. It never fails, except at night, just like the real Word of God!
$15.99 Product# 447890134

Pet Fence. Keeps pets out of certain areas of your home using the same innovative technology currently being employed to keep illegal immigrants out of the US.
$79.99-119.99 Product# 40850136

Bargain: Dog. Formerly owned by Michael Vick.
$39.99 Product# 33o050374

Is your masculinity often thrown into question because you don't have a taxidermied dinosaur in your living room? Worry no more! Our taxidermists stuff real T-Rex heads and mount them so the next time you entertain a big-game hunter who brags about the animals he illegally killed in Africa, you can show him up with that Tyrannosaurus head on your wall.
$489.99 Product# 882305631

Sumo Wrestler Caganer. Only relevant if you live in the Catalonia region of Spain. If you're not familiar with this tradition, please Google it right now.
$24.99 Product# 0240466425

Wanna freeze your shit? Now you can. Poop freeze.
$12.99 Product# 33023225

That's all I got this time, but there are many products from Sky Mall, so I'll spotlight some more as soon as I get around to reading their next catalog.